just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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