Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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