Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
how drunk are you?
Several
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
