Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
