I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
