i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I enjoy the company of your penis
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
