He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize