I wish I could teleport
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
