My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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