I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize