Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
