I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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