Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
