i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
