At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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