If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
