wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
