just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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