I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
