fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
