if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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