i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
