I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
