He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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