I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
