Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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