Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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