Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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