she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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