It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
