Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
