she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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