I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
