Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
