i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Let's paint friendship bongs
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
