He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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