kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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