I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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