if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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