i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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