Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize