Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
