u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
