were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
