you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
