I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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