Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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