my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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