I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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