also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Less talking, more tequila
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
