dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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