If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
