On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize