I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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