I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize