you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
