I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
