Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
