I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize
