definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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