My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
