You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
