Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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