just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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