how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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