I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Randomize
