rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
